Russian Skaters Modify Routine, Add More Hideous Insults

VANCOUVER--Oksana Domnina and Maxim Shabalin, the Russian ice dancers who have come under fire for their “Aborigine” costumes featuring loincloths, bodypaint and eucalyptus leaves, showed some new modifications to their routine at practice here Sunday afternoon.

While it is possible they may make further changes before competition, it appears they are responding to the severe criticism they have received for the racist nature of their program.

The routine will still feature the pair rubbing noses and waving bones around in a “native” style dance, but now has been modified to include the skaters banging rocks together and pretending to eat each other. The music, which already featured a didgeridoo, now also has Tarzan calls and a chorus chanting “ooga chucka ooga chucka.”

The strongest statement, however, may have come at the conclusion of the routine, when Shabalin hit Domnina over the head with a club and dragged her off the ice by the hair.

“We did a lot of research to make this program accurate in its reflection of a distinctive culture,” said Shabalin, adjusting the bone in his nose. “The number of old Bugs Bunny cartoons we watched would by themselves represent a significant time investment. And do you have any idea how many times those headhunters showed up on Gilligan’s Island?”

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Tiger: "Deeply Sorry, But Deep Down I’m Shallow”

Expanding on Friday’s public apology for behavior that has often included infidelity, Tiger Woods in a private interview today explained why his expressed remorse seemed to many to be scripted and insincere.

“Like I said, I really am sorry deep down, but deep down I am shallow,” Woods confided. “So when I get up and reveal my innermost thoughts and feelings, that only underscores my superficiality, and causes a lot of people to question my sincerity. I really mean what I say, I just can’t mean it very much. Unfortunately, my profound inability to relate to other human beings sometimes causes difficulty in communicating.”

Woods, who is trying to repair the damage done to his public image by his Thanksgiving night car accident and recent reports of many mistresses, blamed a sense of entitlement for his transgressions.

“See, I really believed that my ability to play a game really well meant that I was entitled to enjoy all the good things in life to excess. How deep is that? It’s pretty pathetic. And when I say ‘good things,’ I mean, you know, white women. Which is another really screwed-up way to look at life. Jeez, what’s with me, anyway? I must be about as deep as an ashtray.”

“So you can see, it’s no wonder that when I try to express deeper feelings of regret for my actions my voice comes out sounding like Captain Kirk’s computer. That’s the real me.”

While taking responsibility for his current difficulties, Woods continued to deny that wife Elin tried to brain him with a golf club on that fateful Thanksgiving night.

“No, she was just suggesting which club I should use to help myself up once I regained consciousness,” Woods insisted. “She’s helpful like that. And to make sure it was strong enough, she tested it on the car windows.”

Woods has yet to announce when he will return to the links. Hecklers are expected when he does.

"So, you think a nine-iron to open this jar of pickles?"

Brees Thanks Zeus For Win, Sacrifices Goat

New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees, shown here in his off-season identity of Bacchus, God of Wine, made sure to take the time to thank The Man Upstairs for all the success he has had since joining the Saints four years ago.

“Without my father, Zeus, this never would have been possible,” said the Super Bowl MVP, beaming and dressed head-to-foot in gold lame. “If He hadn’t sewn my fetus to his thigh when he showed Himself unwreathed to Semele, I would have perished in the blaze.”

Brees, who completed 32 of 39 passes for 288 yards and two touchdowns in the Saints’ 31-17 win over the Colts, also thanked Zeus for an earlier victory over the Titans.

“Without his lightning bolts, I never could have driven them away. As it was, they ate everything but his heart, which he then fed to Semele to impregnate her.”

Brees also gave a shout-out to the Nymphs of Nysa , and thanked Persephone for raising him in the Underworld away from Hera.

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Belichick Changes Mind, Wants To Punt Now

After three months of careful consideration, New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick announced at a press conference today that he has changed his mind regarding his decision to go for it on fourth down in the fourth quarter of a November 15 game against the Indianapolis Colts and now wishes to punt.

“These kinds of decisions are crucial to a team’s success and must be given due thought,” said the three-time Super Bowl winning coach. “As such, we now wish to punt on that play and will be ready on Sunday to resume the game.”

“We, as a team, want to put that mistake in front of us and focus on winning the previous game.”

Further questions from the press were met with a cold, lifeless stare.

If the Patriots can hold on to defeat the Colts, they will be playing in the Super Bowl Reboot against the New Orleans Saints, picking up from the play just before Peyton Manning choked like Isadora Duncan going for a Sunday drive.

Statue Of Bud Selig To Replace Bud Selig

In a surprise move obviously aimed at cutting costs and improving operational efficiency, Major League Baseball owners today voted 29-1 to replace Commissioner Bud Selig with the 7-foot statue of Bud Selig about to be erected outside Miller Park in Milwaukee.

The only vote against the move was cast by Brewers owner Bud Selig.

“It’s a move necessitated by the economy, and should also allow us to move forward quickly on the important issues we face today,” said one owner who declined to be named. “The new commissioner will be more cost-effective, more responsive to criticism, and less likely to turn a blind eye to controversy. It will speed up the decision making process, as we will always know where he stands. It will also save about $45 a year on haircuts.”

The spokesman also pointed out that the new commissioner, being a statue, “will give only the pigeons a reason to crap all over him. That’s a big improvement right there.”


"I think he said to let it end in a tie."