Now that the Detroit Lions have Matthew Stafford in the fold as their franchise quarterback of the future, the team plans to build a team around him the only way they know how—by drafting quarterbacks in the first round the next three years.
"Stafford is definitely the guy we’re going to build this team around," said recently re-instated team president Matt Millen. "But we also drafted all those wide receivers earlier in the decade, and we need guys who can get them the ball."
While Stafford is seen as the main building block, the other quarterbacks will all have important roles to play. "We’ll need one guy to send to Dallas to throw to Roy Williams," said the impeccably dressed Millen. "We’ll need another guy to find the bridge Mike Williams lives under. And we’ll need another to keep Charles Rogers company in prison."
"Of course, we need one guy to actually stay here and quarterback this team," Millen went on. "And we would like that guy to be Stafford. But we’ll do whatever it takes to get the pieces in place. And if we have to trade Stafford, so be it. We’ll just get Jon Kitna or somebody."
The Lions are seeking their second postseason win since 1957.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Brady Needs Surgery For Butt On Chin
New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady will miss most of training camp and preseason due to a further complication resulting from the hit early last season by Kansas City’s Bernard Pollard that caused Brady to miss the season with a torn ACL, team officials announced on Friday.
The condition, commonly known as "buttchin," or "butt-on-chin," is not known to be career-threatening, as players such as Joe Namath enjoyed modestly productive careers despite the affliction, but it can negatively affect game preparations. It can also adversely affect life after football.
"We’re not worried about the season," said a team spokesman late Friday. "Butt-on-chin is a common malady, and can result from any serious hit. It’s very similar to "head-over-heels," or "ass-over-teakettle," both of which can often be fixed without surgery."
Team officials stressed that the injury is in no way related to "foot-in-mouth," which can be career-threatening, or "head-up-ass," which ended the career of former NFL quarterback Jeff George, among others.
"It’s more of a cosmetic thing, really," said the spokesman. "I mean, who wants to go through the rest of his life with….what? What do you mean, he always had that? And this guy bones supermodels? Well…I guess there’s just something about quarterbacks."
In other news, the "brain-in-a-shoebox-somewhere" condition that sidelined Plaxico Burress last season is said to still be bothering the wide receiver.
The condition, commonly known as "buttchin," or "butt-on-chin," is not known to be career-threatening, as players such as Joe Namath enjoyed modestly productive careers despite the affliction, but it can negatively affect game preparations. It can also adversely affect life after football.
"We’re not worried about the season," said a team spokesman late Friday. "Butt-on-chin is a common malady, and can result from any serious hit. It’s very similar to "head-over-heels," or "ass-over-teakettle," both of which can often be fixed without surgery."
Team officials stressed that the injury is in no way related to "foot-in-mouth," which can be career-threatening, or "head-up-ass," which ended the career of former NFL quarterback Jeff George, among others.
"It’s more of a cosmetic thing, really," said the spokesman. "I mean, who wants to go through the rest of his life with….what? What do you mean, he always had that? And this guy bones supermodels? Well…I guess there’s just something about quarterbacks."
In other news, the "brain-in-a-shoebox-somewhere" condition that sidelined Plaxico Burress last season is said to still be bothering the wide receiver.
Friday, April 17, 2009
NBA Disbands; Players “Just Too Big”
In a surprise announcement today, NBA commissioner David Stern announced that the long-time basketball league would cease operations at the end of the 2009 season.
The reason for the disbanding had nothing to do with the economy or the popularity of the game, according to Stern. "The plain fact is, today’s professionals are just too darn big to play basketball."
"I mean, let’s face it. There isn’t room for ten guys that size in a space that small. They can’t move."
Although the league had been dismissing criticism regarding the lack of finesse and ball movement for years, in the end it had to concede that no NBA player had actually been able to dribble, pass, run, or even jump for several years. The league had tried to open up the offensive game in recent seasons, first by changing the travelling rule to allow three steps, then four, five, and six, plus the extra two-footed triple jump allowed to selected stars; the decision to allow zone defense was actually an attempt to encourage defensive players to stand in one place with their hands in the air and thus open up the lanes for dribble penetration.
More recently the league considered changes to bring the old isolation play back to the forefront, but was unsure where to put the eight uninvolved players without significant modification to all existing arenas.
"It’s a sad day for everyone, for sure," said Stern. "But something had to be done. It was only a matter of time before a referee suffocated, or worse. Actually, we suspect that some of the smaller players stopped showing up years ago, but no one could see them anyway, so nobody noticed."
The only other option the league discussed was continuing operations, but without any actual games. "We thought about just having players and teams, and determining the results of the games with computers," said Stern. "But then we’d have to call it the BCS."
The reason for the disbanding had nothing to do with the economy or the popularity of the game, according to Stern. "The plain fact is, today’s professionals are just too darn big to play basketball."
"I mean, let’s face it. There isn’t room for ten guys that size in a space that small. They can’t move."
Although the league had been dismissing criticism regarding the lack of finesse and ball movement for years, in the end it had to concede that no NBA player had actually been able to dribble, pass, run, or even jump for several years. The league had tried to open up the offensive game in recent seasons, first by changing the travelling rule to allow three steps, then four, five, and six, plus the extra two-footed triple jump allowed to selected stars; the decision to allow zone defense was actually an attempt to encourage defensive players to stand in one place with their hands in the air and thus open up the lanes for dribble penetration.
More recently the league considered changes to bring the old isolation play back to the forefront, but was unsure where to put the eight uninvolved players without significant modification to all existing arenas.
"It’s a sad day for everyone, for sure," said Stern. "But something had to be done. It was only a matter of time before a referee suffocated, or worse. Actually, we suspect that some of the smaller players stopped showing up years ago, but no one could see them anyway, so nobody noticed."
The only other option the league discussed was continuing operations, but without any actual games. "We thought about just having players and teams, and determining the results of the games with computers," said Stern. "But then we’d have to call it the BCS."
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Belichick Admits Hiding Bodies
New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick, responding to reporters’ questions about the 27 partially decomposed bodies found under the floorboards of his home, took full responsibility for the makeshift graveyard and vowed that his team was "ready to move on, is looking ahead and preparing for the 2009 season."
The 27 bodies, believed to be murder victims of the humorless, hoodie-wearing coach, were found stuffed in a crawlspace under Belichick’s living room floor last weekend. The bodies were in varying states of decomposition, indicating Belichick had been acting out his evil fantasies for some time.
"I simply misinterpreted the rules," he intoned in a flat, emotionless robot-like voice. "I was operating under the belief that I could perform these actions, as long as I did not make use of the remains during games. The commissioner has corrected me, exacted his penalty, and we’re ready to move on. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to find a young woman to help me get some stuff inside my car."
Commissioner Roger Goodell, following the case since the outset, announced this morning that he was docking the Patriots two late-round draft picks as well as prohibiting the team from purchasing duct tape in bulk for the next two years. "We believe this is a fair and just penalty, and we consider the matter closed," said Goodell. "Oh, and we destroyed all the evidence, too, by the way."
"Excuse me, ma'm, could you help me get this stuff inside my car?"
http://feralboy12.com/odd_growling_noises
The 27 bodies, believed to be murder victims of the humorless, hoodie-wearing coach, were found stuffed in a crawlspace under Belichick’s living room floor last weekend. The bodies were in varying states of decomposition, indicating Belichick had been acting out his evil fantasies for some time.
"I simply misinterpreted the rules," he intoned in a flat, emotionless robot-like voice. "I was operating under the belief that I could perform these actions, as long as I did not make use of the remains during games. The commissioner has corrected me, exacted his penalty, and we’re ready to move on. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to find a young woman to help me get some stuff inside my car."
Commissioner Roger Goodell, following the case since the outset, announced this morning that he was docking the Patriots two late-round draft picks as well as prohibiting the team from purchasing duct tape in bulk for the next two years. "We believe this is a fair and just penalty, and we consider the matter closed," said Goodell. "Oh, and we destroyed all the evidence, too, by the way."
"Excuse me, ma'm, could you help me get this stuff inside my car?"
http://feralboy12.com/odd_growling_noises
A-Rod Caught Taking Pictures Of His Butt
New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez, already under fire for steroid use, seemingly insincere apologies, and, most recently, photographs published showing him kissing himself in a mirror, has again landed himself in the tabloid spotlight.
Teammates on the Yankees baseball team, who asked not to be named, told reporters recently that they caught A-Rod in the clubhouse, using his cellphone to take pictures of his own butt.
"I mean, it’s something lots of us think of doing, but there he was, actually doing it," said one teammate. "And he was taking a really long time, being really careful with the framing and exposure and all."
Other teammates, while not speaking, buried their faces into their gloves and made soft barking noises.
A-Rod, to his credit, immediately owned up to the act and phoned Katie Couric to confess and to send her copies of the photos in question. At the press conference immediately after that, he said, "I was young and stupid and I didn’t know it was wrong. And I take full responsibility for my actions, except for the part about being young and stupid and not knowing it was wrong. But, I mean, it was over an hour ago, and I guess I just felt the pressure of my contract again. Ow ow ow ow there it goes again ow ow ow."
"But I just want to say how sorry I apparently am, as evidenced by my frank admission."
As A-Rod spoke, he was backed by a group of his Yankee teammates, who made humorous stroking gestures with their hands and pointed at Rodriguez seated in front of them.
Rodriguez is currently on the disabled list due to a hip injury
"If I’m not being honest with myself, how can I be honest with you?"
Teammates on the Yankees baseball team, who asked not to be named, told reporters recently that they caught A-Rod in the clubhouse, using his cellphone to take pictures of his own butt.
"I mean, it’s something lots of us think of doing, but there he was, actually doing it," said one teammate. "And he was taking a really long time, being really careful with the framing and exposure and all."
Other teammates, while not speaking, buried their faces into their gloves and made soft barking noises.
A-Rod, to his credit, immediately owned up to the act and phoned Katie Couric to confess and to send her copies of the photos in question. At the press conference immediately after that, he said, "I was young and stupid and I didn’t know it was wrong. And I take full responsibility for my actions, except for the part about being young and stupid and not knowing it was wrong. But, I mean, it was over an hour ago, and I guess I just felt the pressure of my contract again. Ow ow ow ow there it goes again ow ow ow."
"But I just want to say how sorry I apparently am, as evidenced by my frank admission."
As A-Rod spoke, he was backed by a group of his Yankee teammates, who made humorous stroking gestures with their hands and pointed at Rodriguez seated in front of them.
Rodriguez is currently on the disabled list due to a hip injury
"If I’m not being honest with myself, how can I be honest with you?"
Ocho Cinco Changes Name To Funf Und Achzig
In another transparent cry for attention that surprised no one, Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Ocho Cinco announced today that he is changing his name once again.
The player formerly known as Chad Johnson, who changed his name to the Spanish words for "eight five" last year, has decided to honor Cincinnati’s German heritage by calling himself "Funf Und Achzig." The new moniker means "eighty-five" in the German language.
"I mean, we have all these German settlers who came here, who brought the German culture with them," said the histrionic diva, "and the Margie Schott museum with all the Nazi memorabilia. It seemed fitting to go with the German version, as long as I’m stuck in this hellhole, anyway. And I didn’t mangle the syntax so retardedly this time."
Bengals officials quickly announced they would support the move, and "Funf Und Achzig" would be the name printed on the back of the player’s jersey. "Unless there’s an umlaut," said one official. "We don’t do umlauts here, although we’re still doing our research. And when we say ‘research,’ we of course mean ‘Google.’"
When contacted later in the day, coach Marvin Lewis shook his head sadly and declined to comment.
The player formerly known as Chad Johnson, who changed his name to the Spanish words for "eight five" last year, has decided to honor Cincinnati’s German heritage by calling himself "Funf Und Achzig." The new moniker means "eighty-five" in the German language.
"I mean, we have all these German settlers who came here, who brought the German culture with them," said the histrionic diva, "and the Margie Schott museum with all the Nazi memorabilia. It seemed fitting to go with the German version, as long as I’m stuck in this hellhole, anyway. And I didn’t mangle the syntax so retardedly this time."
Bengals officials quickly announced they would support the move, and "Funf Und Achzig" would be the name printed on the back of the player’s jersey. "Unless there’s an umlaut," said one official. "We don’t do umlauts here, although we’re still doing our research. And when we say ‘research,’ we of course mean ‘Google.’"
When contacted later in the day, coach Marvin Lewis shook his head sadly and declined to comment.
Bills QB Already Conspiring Against Him, Says T.O.
New Buffalo Bills wide receiver Terrell Owens is getting that funny feeling again.
"I saw Trent Edwards and Lee Evans passing notes during a recent film session," said the mercurial, bombastic, idiotic 13 year veteran this week. "I’m pretty sure those notes were about me. They were designing new route trees, like maybe they’re building a tree fort and I’m not invited, and sharing secrets with each other, and making fun of the way I talk…probably."
When asked if that really happened, Owens added, "I think they’re both gay."
Owens, according to witnesses, then climbed up on his roof to do jumping jacks. When asked if this wasn’t ridiculously dangerous, his agent, looking on, said, "Of course not. After all, he has 6.5 million reasons not to fall off. Besides, his powerful alligator arms give him tremendous grip."
Bills officials shook their heads sadly and declined to comment.
"I saw Trent Edwards and Lee Evans passing notes during a recent film session," said the mercurial, bombastic, idiotic 13 year veteran this week. "I’m pretty sure those notes were about me. They were designing new route trees, like maybe they’re building a tree fort and I’m not invited, and sharing secrets with each other, and making fun of the way I talk…probably."
When asked if that really happened, Owens added, "I think they’re both gay."
Owens, according to witnesses, then climbed up on his roof to do jumping jacks. When asked if this wasn’t ridiculously dangerous, his agent, looking on, said, "Of course not. After all, he has 6.5 million reasons not to fall off. Besides, his powerful alligator arms give him tremendous grip."
Bills officials shook their heads sadly and declined to comment.
Networks To Air More Ads About Your Genitalia
The major television networks that carry live sporting events have all agreed to air advertising relating to "male enhancement" products, it was announced today. Few details were offered, but, strangely, none were asked for.
These commercials will air during all live sporting events, alongside ads pitching remedies for jock itch, erectile dysfunction, herpes, and enlarged prostate, all problems affecting male genitalia.
"It’s simple demographics," said a network spokesman. "Our average viewer for televised sports is male, over 40, and wondering why his Johnson is no longer Magic, so to speak. He needs to know about these products, and about things like erectile dysfunction, because as we know, if he keeps thinking about it all the time, it’s bound to happen."
"Men often remain in denial about these things, as we know too well," the spokesman went on. "They insist it will never happen to them, but the women we have interviewed assure us that it happens to everybody. Then, they ask us to plug in the vibrator on our way out of the room."
These commercials will air during all live sporting events, alongside ads pitching remedies for jock itch, erectile dysfunction, herpes, and enlarged prostate, all problems affecting male genitalia.
"It’s simple demographics," said a network spokesman. "Our average viewer for televised sports is male, over 40, and wondering why his Johnson is no longer Magic, so to speak. He needs to know about these products, and about things like erectile dysfunction, because as we know, if he keeps thinking about it all the time, it’s bound to happen."
"Men often remain in denial about these things, as we know too well," the spokesman went on. "They insist it will never happen to them, but the women we have interviewed assure us that it happens to everybody. Then, they ask us to plug in the vibrator on our way out of the room."
Jason Taylor To Star In Hollywood Drama
A spokesperson for NFL star Jason Taylor announced today that the veteran defensive end, who played in 2008 with the Washington Redskins and last year appeared on TV’s "Dancing With The Stars," has signed with Universal Studios to star in an upcoming action drama.The film is reportedly titled, "Never Say Tomorrow Or Die," and will feature Taylor as Ridge McFarland, an undercover FBI agent whose entire family was killed twice by a Mexican drug lord. Ridge will seek revenge, and will unveil a new martial arts technique known as "tang fu," a deadly combination of kung fu strikes and tango dance steps. "We believe this will sweep the nation and become the next hot franchise," said the spokesperson. "It’s Gymkata for the 21st century."
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