Teams Lining Up To Not Sign Vick

No rape stand jokes here. No, sir.


As the date grows nearer when NFL commissioner Roger Goodell must make a decision on whether or not to allow Michael Vick back into the league, the Dallas Cowboys announced today that they had joined the bevy of suitors lined up not to sign the former Atlanta quarterback.
“We don’t feel he fits our needs at this time,” said Jerry Jones, owner of the Cowboys. “We are set at every position, and the team does not need another facelift at this time.”
The Cowboys joined the Lions, Seahawks, Bears, Raiders and Panthers in expressing their lack of interest in Vick, who was convicted in 2007 of financing and participating in a dogfighting ring, which is completely unlike bullfighting, rodeo and other sports clearly not cruel to animals.
“We already have quarterbacks who haven’t taken a meaningful snap in years,” said one NFL General Manager who wished to remain anonymous. “We’re the Bills, remember? Oops.”
One possible hurdle to a team signing Vick is the possible presence of organized protests by groups such as People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), which maintains that 18 months in prison and the loss of $70 million is not nearly enough suffering to make up for the torturing and killing of a beloved pet that sometimes thinks he’s people. “Aw, he thinks he’s people,” said a PETA spokesperson. “Awuzza wuzza wuzza wuzza.”
PETA has vowed to conduct "serious, meaningful protests" at games that Vick plays in, and will hold up big signs featuring angry, dog- related puns. Also, there will be lots of barking.
Some doubt remains as to whether Goodell will re-instate Vick or decide to continue his suspension. Arguments in favor of re-instating him usually center on WHYTH FUK NOT HES PADE DET NOT LIKE IT HUMANS LIK IF HE WHITE NO, while the argument to continue his suspension is FU*KTARD.
Vick was chosen first overall by the Atlanta Falcons in 2001, which immediately guaranteed failure in the professional ranks. Although his running ability (he set an NFL rushing record for quarterbacks with 1039 yards in 2006) was astounding, as a passer he was never able to correct numerous bad habits he had developed, such as leaving the pocket too quickly, throwing off his back foot, and, worst of all, throwing with his left hand. His passer rating (based on a formula the league recently divulged at gunpoint) was usually stuck in the 70's, which is not a decade you want to be trapped in.
Still, his promise and the exciting nature of his play led the Falcons in 2004 to sign him to a then-record 10-year, $130 million contract, which he pretty much wiped his butt with.

ESPN Troops Capture Paris; Free World Trembles

The free world recoiled in shock and dismay today as France announced it had reached a surrender agreement with sports juggernaut ESPN, whose troops thundered into Paris and overwhelmed the French defenses.
“We had no choice but to surrender to overwhelming force,” said Marshall Phillipe Petain of France. “They executed their Zone Blitzkrieg strategy to perfection. With Chris Berman spearheading the Panzer divisions, driving us back, back, back, back, back, and unexpected writers like Bill Simmons and Rick Reilly dropping into coverage to disrupt our lines of communication, we were rendered helpless. Every time we tried to shift quickly to a contingency plan, our internal communiques would turn into indecipherable references to “Karate Kid” or, if the culprit was Reilly, complete nonsense! With incomplete sentences! Ending in exclamation points! And Lots Of Capitalized Words!
“We simply did not have the troops, and could not coordinate our defense properly.”
“We now bow down to the World Wide Leader.”
Another problem was the surprise game plan used by ESPN. French strategists scouting previous battles assumed they would be dealing with a spread offense; instead, they faced a concentrated tank attack that consistently opened holes in the French lines “wide enough to send a fullback through.”
Criticisms of the French strategy were quick to come; many regarded the choice of the 85-year old Petain to quarterback the team as doomed from the start. “He should have stayed retired,” said one French player who wished to remain anonymous. “he’s ruining his legacy by hanging on too long.”
Despite the setback, British Prime Minister Winston Churchill refused to capitulate. “We will fight them on the fields,” he said in a radio address carried on the three remaining media outlets not affiliated with ESPN. “We will fight them on the courts. We will fight them on whatever you call those things where they play hockey, and we will never surrender.”
ESPN is next expected to march on Stalingrad, and is favored over the Russians by 12 ½, although bad weather may keep the score down.