Cowboys Win; Romo Brains Himself On Video Board

The Dallas Cowboys opened their $1.2 billion stadium Friday with a 30-10 preseason victory over the Tennessee Titans, but it was a costly win.
The team lost starting quarterback Tony Romo for 2-4 weeks in the second quarter when, while attempting a jump pass, he banged his head on the giant, low-hanging video screen at the Cowboys' new stadium, resulting in a concussion.
While team officials originally hoped the injury was not serious, tests showed at least minor head trauma had occurred. "When we asked him if he knew which stadium he was in, he answered 'Jessica'" said a member of the medical staff. "He obviously wasn't thinking clearly."
Cowboys owner Jerry Jones dismissed the incident, saying "It won't happen in a real game. Nobody in the NFL is going to use the jump pass in the regular season. That's Tim Tebow crap. And it's not my fault if guys are going to deliberately jump straight up."
The officiating crew for the game huddled after the play and finally decided on a do-over, which resulted in a concussion to backup quarterback Jon Kitna.

"I gots a concussion!"

Cubs Unveil New Logo

In an effort to change the fortunes of a franchise that hasn't won a championship since 1908, the Chicago Cubs today unveiled their new official logo.
The logo features an image of former Cubs player Nomar Garciaparra in a pose that team officials believe represents "the last 100 years of Chicago Cubs history in a nutshell."
"Although much of our history is painful, we wanted a logo that truly embraced that history," said a Cubs representative. "From billy goats to Bartmen, this is truly what being a Cubs fan is all about. It's about holding on to what's really important. When the fans see this image, we believe they will swell with pride."
The logo will also include the phrase: "The Chicago Cubs: It's a Whole New Ball Game."

Teams Lining Up To Not Sign Vick

No rape stand jokes here. No, sir.


As the date grows nearer when NFL commissioner Roger Goodell must make a decision on whether or not to allow Michael Vick back into the league, the Dallas Cowboys announced today that they had joined the bevy of suitors lined up not to sign the former Atlanta quarterback.
“We don’t feel he fits our needs at this time,” said Jerry Jones, owner of the Cowboys. “We are set at every position, and the team does not need another facelift at this time.”
The Cowboys joined the Lions, Seahawks, Bears, Raiders and Panthers in expressing their lack of interest in Vick, who was convicted in 2007 of financing and participating in a dogfighting ring, which is completely unlike bullfighting, rodeo and other sports clearly not cruel to animals.
“We already have quarterbacks who haven’t taken a meaningful snap in years,” said one NFL General Manager who wished to remain anonymous. “We’re the Bills, remember? Oops.”
One possible hurdle to a team signing Vick is the possible presence of organized protests by groups such as People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), which maintains that 18 months in prison and the loss of $70 million is not nearly enough suffering to make up for the torturing and killing of a beloved pet that sometimes thinks he’s people. “Aw, he thinks he’s people,” said a PETA spokesperson. “Awuzza wuzza wuzza wuzza.”
PETA has vowed to conduct "serious, meaningful protests" at games that Vick plays in, and will hold up big signs featuring angry, dog- related puns. Also, there will be lots of barking.
Some doubt remains as to whether Goodell will re-instate Vick or decide to continue his suspension. Arguments in favor of re-instating him usually center on WHYTH FUK NOT HES PADE DET NOT LIKE IT HUMANS LIK IF HE WHITE NO, while the argument to continue his suspension is FU*KTARD.
Vick was chosen first overall by the Atlanta Falcons in 2001, which immediately guaranteed failure in the professional ranks. Although his running ability (he set an NFL rushing record for quarterbacks with 1039 yards in 2006) was astounding, as a passer he was never able to correct numerous bad habits he had developed, such as leaving the pocket too quickly, throwing off his back foot, and, worst of all, throwing with his left hand. His passer rating (based on a formula the league recently divulged at gunpoint) was usually stuck in the 70's, which is not a decade you want to be trapped in.
Still, his promise and the exciting nature of his play led the Falcons in 2004 to sign him to a then-record 10-year, $130 million contract, which he pretty much wiped his butt with.

ESPN Troops Capture Paris; Free World Trembles

The free world recoiled in shock and dismay today as France announced it had reached a surrender agreement with sports juggernaut ESPN, whose troops thundered into Paris and overwhelmed the French defenses.
“We had no choice but to surrender to overwhelming force,” said Marshall Phillipe Petain of France. “They executed their Zone Blitzkrieg strategy to perfection. With Chris Berman spearheading the Panzer divisions, driving us back, back, back, back, back, and unexpected writers like Bill Simmons and Rick Reilly dropping into coverage to disrupt our lines of communication, we were rendered helpless. Every time we tried to shift quickly to a contingency plan, our internal communiques would turn into indecipherable references to “Karate Kid” or, if the culprit was Reilly, complete nonsense! With incomplete sentences! Ending in exclamation points! And Lots Of Capitalized Words!
“We simply did not have the troops, and could not coordinate our defense properly.”
“We now bow down to the World Wide Leader.”
Another problem was the surprise game plan used by ESPN. French strategists scouting previous battles assumed they would be dealing with a spread offense; instead, they faced a concentrated tank attack that consistently opened holes in the French lines “wide enough to send a fullback through.”
Criticisms of the French strategy were quick to come; many regarded the choice of the 85-year old Petain to quarterback the team as doomed from the start. “He should have stayed retired,” said one French player who wished to remain anonymous. “he’s ruining his legacy by hanging on too long.”
Despite the setback, British Prime Minister Winston Churchill refused to capitulate. “We will fight them on the fields,” he said in a radio address carried on the three remaining media outlets not affiliated with ESPN. “We will fight them on the courts. We will fight them on whatever you call those things where they play hockey, and we will never surrender.”
ESPN is next expected to march on Stalingrad, and is favored over the Russians by 12 ½, although bad weather may keep the score down.

New O.J. Book Hits The Stores

Simpson put up remarkable numbers during his career.

Although in prison for a variety of charges stemming from an incident last year involving memorabilia in Las Vegas, O.J. Simpson has chosen not to remain quiet during his sentence, and has written a new book entitled "If I Didn’t Do It, Why Am I In Prison?" The book hit the stores this week.
"Nevada doesn’t have a Son of Sam law," said Simpson, who appeared to be "absolutely, 100%" behind bars. "I learned that on CSI. I’m free to write books, speculate on what really happened, and capitalize on my situation. I can also look for the real killers here, having eliminated all the golf resorts in Florida." When reminded of the civil suit brought against him by the Goldman family, he replied, "that’s my next book—If I Owed Them Money, Here’s How I’d Evade Them."
Simpson was convicted of taking items at gunpoint from a memorabilia dealer in Las Vegas last year, while claiming that the items actually belonged to him and he therefore had the right to take them at gunpoint.
Simpson is a pro football Hall of Fame member, a former running back known for his slashing style and ability to cut sharply. He won the Heisman Trophy at USC in 1968 and was the first selection in the draft by the Buffalo Bills, a team he soon came to fit like a glove, quickly becoming so entrenched in the starting lineup for a time it was thought he actually had used an entrenching tool. It seemed he was born to run the ball, as if it was in his DNA.
He later took a stab at an acting career, appearing in "The Towering Inferno" in 1975, in which he plays a security guard who doesn’t murder his wife, and the mini-series "Roots" in 1976, playing an African tribesman who doesn’t kill a waiter, flee police on national TV and gain acquittal in a ridiculous circus trial.

MLB Suspended For Steroid Use

Major League Baseball, it was announced today, has twice tested positive for performance enhancing drugs including steroids and will, under the policy initiated in 2007, be suspended for the remainder of the 2009 season. All remaining regular season games will be recorded as ties except for the All-Star game, which will be simulated with PECOTA projections and used to determine the winner of the World Series.
"We feel the penalties in place are, while regrettable, appropriate and fair and we must simply move on from this point," said Bud Selig, Commissioner of Baseball at a press conference this morning. "We look forward to the results of the All-Star Game, World Series, and of course, the Home Run Derby, which will be held as scheduled."
Although the suspension will cost the clubs in the short run, as no individual players have been suspended and all still will be paid, Selig would not admit it was bad for the game, pointing to the continuing popularity of the idea of baseball and the fact that the Toronto Blue Jays have clinched a spot in the World Series. "This shows true parity in our game," said the weak, rumpled man.
Some fans may be displeased, however, by the expectation to continue to pay for tickets and personal seat licenses, Selig admitted, but pointed out that "there are still games to go to, they’re just declared to be ties after six hours or so. And people still need to eat, so concession sales will continue as before. We must maintain the game’s infrastructure, so the players have something to come back to next year. You don’t need a third ear growing out of your forehead to figure that out."
The suspension also brings up the question of baseball’s prospects for inclusion in the Hall Of Fame in the future. "We have a solution to that as well," said Selig. "We’ll ask Pete Rose."
"Difficult times are ahead, but the fundamentals of the baseball economy remain sound," Selig continued. "And the overall…aw, whatever. It’s probably all for the best. It’s really a pretty stupid game when you think about it."

Farve Tries “Mrs. Doubtfire” Routine

In yet another twist to the strange twilight of Brett Favre’s career in the NFL, he was recently caught in disguise working at the Green Bay Packers’ training facility.
The 40-year old ex-Packer, apparently still obsessed with the way his career in Green Bay ended, was dressed as a buxom, elderly woman with glasses and had obtained a job as a chef in the kitchen at the facility.
"He had a great disguise, really disguised his voice well," said a spokesman for the team. "But after a few days we noticed this woman was getting a bit of stubble and seemed unaware of it, and a couple of days later she burned her tits off at the stove. At that point we knew it was a man, and he talked way too slow to be Robin Williams."
Favre also had a tendency to celebrate events by pulling his wig off and holding it high while running around joyously, occasionally attempting a "Lambeau Leap" atop the dishwasher. At one point, the spokesman said, Favre came in from outside with a piece of turf stuck in his wig, causing John Madden to appear from nowhere and start babbling about what a great, great football player this was, especially with "that thing on his deal." Madden also compared the Packers letting Favre go to "sticking a toothbrush in your eye."
But the clincher that really revealed his identity, said the spokesman, was "the interceptions. No doubt, it was the interceptions. Half the meals she cooked ended up in the wrong stomach. I mean he. Whatever."
When contacted, Favre said he "merely wanted to see his ex-teammates, regardless of the comedic consequences. I knew there was a chance that hilarity might ensue, but I was willing to take that chance."
Favre also said that he didn’t have no plans or wasn’t not planning to play or not play again for some possible other team at some point in the future.

Lions Plan To Draft QBs Next Three Years

Now that the Detroit Lions have Matthew Stafford in the fold as their franchise quarterback of the future, the team plans to build a team around him the only way they know how—by drafting quarterbacks in the first round the next three years.
"Stafford is definitely the guy we’re going to build this team around," said recently re-instated team president Matt Millen. "But we also drafted all those wide receivers earlier in the decade, and we need guys who can get them the ball."
While Stafford is seen as the main building block, the other quarterbacks will all have important roles to play. "We’ll need one guy to send to Dallas to throw to Roy Williams," said the impeccably dressed Millen. "We’ll need another guy to find the bridge Mike Williams lives under. And we’ll need another to keep Charles Rogers company in prison."
"Of course, we need one guy to actually stay here and quarterback this team," Millen went on. "And we would like that guy to be Stafford. But we’ll do whatever it takes to get the pieces in place. And if we have to trade Stafford, so be it. We’ll just get Jon Kitna or somebody."
The Lions are seeking their second postseason win since 1957.

Brady Needs Surgery For Butt On Chin

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady will miss most of training camp and preseason due to a further complication resulting from the hit early last season by Kansas City’s Bernard Pollard that caused Brady to miss the season with a torn ACL, team officials announced on Friday.
The condition, commonly known as "buttchin," or "butt-on-chin," is not known to be career-threatening, as players such as Joe Namath enjoyed modestly productive careers despite the affliction, but it can negatively affect game preparations. It can also adversely affect life after football.
"We’re not worried about the season," said a team spokesman late Friday. "Butt-on-chin is a common malady, and can result from any serious hit. It’s very similar to "head-over-heels," or "ass-over-teakettle," both of which can often be fixed without surgery."
Team officials stressed that the injury is in no way related to "foot-in-mouth," which can be career-threatening, or "head-up-ass," which ended the career of former NFL quarterback Jeff George, among others.
"It’s more of a cosmetic thing, really," said the spokesman. "I mean, who wants to go through the rest of his life with….what? What do you mean, he always had that? And this guy bones supermodels? Well…I guess there’s just something about quarterbacks."
In other news, the "brain-in-a-shoebox-somewhere" condition that sidelined Plaxico Burress last season is said to still be bothering the wide receiver.

NBA Disbands; Players “Just Too Big”

In a surprise announcement today, NBA commissioner David Stern announced that the long-time basketball league would cease operations at the end of the 2009 season.
The reason for the disbanding had nothing to do with the economy or the popularity of the game, according to Stern. "The plain fact is, today’s professionals are just too darn big to play basketball."
"I mean, let’s face it. There isn’t room for ten guys that size in a space that small. They can’t move."
Although the league had been dismissing criticism regarding the lack of finesse and ball movement for years, in the end it had to concede that no NBA player had actually been able to dribble, pass, run, or even jump for several years. The league had tried to open up the offensive game in recent seasons, first by changing the travelling rule to allow three steps, then four, five, and six, plus the extra two-footed triple jump allowed to selected stars; the decision to allow zone defense was actually an attempt to encourage defensive players to stand in one place with their hands in the air and thus open up the lanes for dribble penetration.
More recently the league considered changes to bring the old isolation play back to the forefront, but was unsure where to put the eight uninvolved players without significant modification to all existing arenas.
"It’s a sad day for everyone, for sure," said Stern. "But something had to be done. It was only a matter of time before a referee suffocated, or worse. Actually, we suspect that some of the smaller players stopped showing up years ago, but no one could see them anyway, so nobody noticed."
The only other option the league discussed was continuing operations, but without any actual games. "We thought about just having players and teams, and determining the results of the games with computers," said Stern. "But then we’d have to call it the BCS."

Belichick Admits Hiding Bodies

New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick, responding to reporters’ questions about the 27 partially decomposed bodies found under the floorboards of his home, took full responsibility for the makeshift graveyard and vowed that his team was "ready to move on, is looking ahead and preparing for the 2009 season."
The 27 bodies, believed to be murder victims of the humorless, hoodie-wearing coach, were found stuffed in a crawlspace under Belichick’s living room floor last weekend. The bodies were in varying states of decomposition, indicating Belichick had been acting out his evil fantasies for some time.
"I simply misinterpreted the rules," he intoned in a flat, emotionless robot-like voice. "I was operating under the belief that I could perform these actions, as long as I did not make use of the remains during games. The commissioner has corrected me, exacted his penalty, and we’re ready to move on. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to find a young woman to help me get some stuff inside my car."
Commissioner Roger Goodell, following the case since the outset, announced this morning that he was docking the Patriots two late-round draft picks as well as prohibiting the team from purchasing duct tape in bulk for the next two years. "We believe this is a fair and just penalty, and we consider the matter closed," said Goodell. "Oh, and we destroyed all the evidence, too, by the way."


"Excuse me, ma'm, could you help me get this stuff inside my car?"

http://feralboy12.com/odd_growling_noises

A-Rod Caught Taking Pictures Of His Butt

New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez, already under fire for steroid use, seemingly insincere apologies, and, most recently, photographs published showing him kissing himself in a mirror, has again landed himself in the tabloid spotlight.
Teammates on the Yankees baseball team, who asked not to be named, told reporters recently that they caught A-Rod in the clubhouse, using his cellphone to take pictures of his own butt.
"I mean, it’s something lots of us think of doing, but there he was, actually doing it," said one teammate. "And he was taking a really long time, being really careful with the framing and exposure and all."
Other teammates, while not speaking, buried their faces into their gloves and made soft barking noises.
A-Rod, to his credit, immediately owned up to the act and phoned Katie Couric to confess and to send her copies of the photos in question. At the press conference immediately after that, he said, "I was young and stupid and I didn’t know it was wrong. And I take full responsibility for my actions, except for the part about being young and stupid and not knowing it was wrong. But, I mean, it was over an hour ago, and I guess I just felt the pressure of my contract again. Ow ow ow ow there it goes again ow ow ow."
"But I just want to say how sorry I apparently am, as evidenced by my frank admission."
As A-Rod spoke, he was backed by a group of his Yankee teammates, who made humorous stroking gestures with their hands and pointed at Rodriguez seated in front of them.
Rodriguez is currently on the disabled list due to a hip injury "If I’m not being honest with myself, how can I be honest with you?"

Ocho Cinco Changes Name To Funf Und Achzig

In another transparent cry for attention that surprised no one, Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Ocho Cinco announced today that he is changing his name once again.
The player formerly known as Chad Johnson, who changed his name to the Spanish words for "eight five" last year, has decided to honor Cincinnati’s German heritage by calling himself "Funf Und Achzig." The new moniker means "eighty-five" in the German language.
"I mean, we have all these German settlers who came here, who brought the German culture with them," said the histrionic diva, "and the Margie Schott museum with all the Nazi memorabilia. It seemed fitting to go with the German version, as long as I’m stuck in this hellhole, anyway. And I didn’t mangle the syntax so retardedly this time."
Bengals officials quickly announced they would support the move, and "Funf Und Achzig" would be the name printed on the back of the player’s jersey. "Unless there’s an umlaut," said one official. "We don’t do umlauts here, although we’re still doing our research. And when we say ‘research,’ we of course mean ‘Google.’"
When contacted later in the day, coach Marvin Lewis shook his head sadly and declined to comment.

Bills QB Already Conspiring Against Him, Says T.O.

New Buffalo Bills wide receiver Terrell Owens is getting that funny feeling again.
"I saw Trent Edwards and Lee Evans passing notes during a recent film session," said the mercurial, bombastic, idiotic 13 year veteran this week. "I’m pretty sure those notes were about me. They were designing new route trees, like maybe they’re building a tree fort and I’m not invited, and sharing secrets with each other, and making fun of the way I talk…probably."
When asked if that really happened, Owens added, "I think they’re both gay."
Owens, according to witnesses, then climbed up on his roof to do jumping jacks. When asked if this wasn’t ridiculously dangerous, his agent, looking on, said, "Of course not. After all, he has 6.5 million reasons not to fall off. Besides, his powerful alligator arms give him tremendous grip."
Bills officials shook their heads sadly and declined to comment.

Networks To Air More Ads About Your Genitalia

The major television networks that carry live sporting events have all agreed to air advertising relating to "male enhancement" products, it was announced today. Few details were offered, but, strangely, none were asked for.
These commercials will air during all live sporting events, alongside ads pitching remedies for jock itch, erectile dysfunction, herpes, and enlarged prostate, all problems affecting male genitalia.
"It’s simple demographics," said a network spokesman. "Our average viewer for televised sports is male, over 40, and wondering why his Johnson is no longer Magic, so to speak. He needs to know about these products, and about things like erectile dysfunction, because as we know, if he keeps thinking about it all the time, it’s bound to happen."
"Men often remain in denial about these things, as we know too well," the spokesman went on. "They insist it will never happen to them, but the women we have interviewed assure us that it happens to everybody. Then, they ask us to plug in the vibrator on our way out of the room."

Jason Taylor To Star In Hollywood Drama

A spokesperson for NFL star Jason Taylor announced today that the veteran defensive end, who played in 2008 with the Washington Redskins and last year appeared on TV’s "Dancing With The Stars," has signed with Universal Studios to star in an upcoming action drama.
The film is reportedly titled, "Never Say Tomorrow Or Die," and will feature Taylor as Ridge McFarland, an undercover FBI agent whose entire family was killed twice by a Mexican drug lord. Ridge will seek revenge, and will unveil a new martial arts technique known as "tang fu," a deadly combination of kung fu strikes and tango dance steps. "We believe this will sweep the nation and become the next hot franchise," said the spokesperson. "It’s Gymkata for the 21st century."