TCU Announces Move To NFC West

FT. WORTH--Apparently tired of being left out of the national championship picture and seeking better access to more lucrative postseason games, TCU has announced it will flee the troubled Mountain West Conference and begin play in the NFC West in 2012.

The board of trustees voted unanimously to accept the invitation to join the NFL, making it the fourth league for the Horned Frogs since the old Southwest Conference broke up in 1995. The team played in the WAC from 1996-2000 and C-USA from 2001-2004 before mistakenly joining the YMCA in 2005.

The move is seen as good for all the parties involved, with the obvious exception of the MWC and new member Boise State, whom no one really cares about.

"This obviously adds a lot of credibillity to the division," said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, who extended the invitation to the Horned Frogs last spring. "It not only adds strength to what has become an embarrassingly weak group of teams, it gives the league a team in Texas that doesn't routinely underachieve. And it's good for TCU, since they can expect to be competitive immediately."

The St. Louis Rams and Seattle Seahawks currently sit atop the NFC West with 5-6 records; although neither is ranked in anyone's top 25, the division's AQ status means the winner qualifies for the NFL playoffs no matter what.

"The situation in college football is very fluid," said Mountain West Commissioner Craig Thompson, referring to the departures of Utah, BYU and TCU from his conference in the near future. "And by fluid, I mean an unforgiving ocean sucking the MWC down to a watery grave. Arrrr. Davy Jones' locker, and all that."

"Glub.  Glub, I tell you."

TCU Athletic Director Chris Del Conte downplayed the MWC's struggles retaining teams and lack of access to higher-paying bowl games; the reason for the move was simple.  "We're not playing on that damn blue field.  No freaking way."

Back to Killed By Fish

Celtics End Heat's Unbeaten Season

The Boston Celtics ended Miami's quest for the NBA's first unbeaten season tonight with an 88-80 victory, snapping the Heat's winning streak at 0 in a showdown of two of the top teams in the Eastern Conference.

LeBron James led all scorers with 31, while teammates Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh combined for 21 points, shooting a whopping 7-for-27 from the field. Ray Allen paced the Celtics with 20 and Shaquille O'Neal had nine in his Boston debut.

The Heat, with the celebrated trio of superstars having joined forces in a clear violation of the Rules of the Playground, were on pace to join the NFL's Dolphins as the second team from South Beach to finish with an unblemished record. But the Celtics, with balanced scoring on their home court, took a 15-point lead into the locker room at halftime and made it stand up on this night.

Miami is now on pace to snap the record for losses in a season, set by the Philadelphia 76ers in 1973 when they finished with a record of 9-73.

Back to Killed By Fish

NFL Seeks To Increase Understanding Of Concussions By Causing More

NEW YORK--The National Football League, responding to increasing concern over the damage caused by playing professional football, has announced a new program aimed at increasing understanding of the effects of repeated concussions.

"We want to get out in front of this issue and take a leadership role," said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell at a press conference yesterday. "With this in mind, and knowing that much more data is needed regarding concussions than we currently have, we want to increase the schedule from 16 to 18 games. The increased amount of information available will spur our understanding and help us find a solution that much sooner."

The proposal to lengthen the season will be part of the discussion regarding a new Collective Bargaining Agreement with the NFL Player's Aassociation, and will need to be approved by that organization before it can take effect.

"The players must realize that they have to be part of the solution," said Goodell. "We need as many of their brains as possible for autopsies, as soon as we can get them."

"We sincerely hope this will not become a divisive issue in our talks with them."

The proposal, if implemented, is expected to add hundreds of collisions per season for each player as well as necessitating expanded rosters, increasing the supply of brains to study.

"We have to get ahead of this problem," Goodell went on to say. "Without information, we're just butting our heads against the wall. We can't just wait for worse problems to smack us in the face. We need to put our heads together now and come up with a program that has real impact. "

"It's time to put on our thinking helmets and use them as weapons in this fight."

Back to Killed By Fish

Woods Double-Bogeys Marriage, Misses Cut

Tiger Woods, continuing a disappointing trend that has seen him not win a major since the 2008 U.S. Open, double-bogeyed the last hole of his marriage and failed to make the cut with Elin, his wife of three years.

It was announced recently that the couple had officially divorced and that a $750 million settlement had been reached, the result of a series of misplays on the back nine by the golfer.

Trouble began on the 15th hole when the man many have proclaimed to be the best golfer in history blew an easy three-foot putt for par by failing to remain faithful to a wealthy, blonde supermodel wife. On the next hole, Woods sliced badly into the trees by using his regular cellphone to arrange dalliances with mistresses, and compounded that by "grounding his club" in a bunker with another mistress two shots later.

But that was nothing compared to his error on 18, where he neglected to use his driver and, attempting to escape from the rough, hit the mailbox at the end of the fairway.

"I have no one to blame but myself," said a dejected Woods after the debacle. "Unless of course you count my caddy, who should have known the course better."

Although Woods' longtime caddy Steve Williams could not be reached for comment, it is assumed his reply would point out Tiger's repeated unwillingness to leave his 5-wood in the bag.

Back to Killed By Fish

Clemens Indicted For Third Ear On Forehead

Roger Clemens, former major-league pitcher and 11-time all-star, winner of seven Cy Young awards, was indicted this week by a grand jury for perjury before Congress in 2008. The evidence, which the grand jury found "compelling, and sort of creepy" consisted mostly of recent photographs of Clemens sporting a new third ear that grew out of his forehead.

The new appendage cast doubt on Clemens' previous testimony, in which he claimed never to have used steroids and if he did, "I would have a third ear growing out of my forehead or something."

Because he is facing up to five years of prison time, Clemens is expected to spare no expense in putting together a crack legal team as well as a new group of friends to throw under the bus. Although it is not known what sort of defense will be presented, experts expect it to mostly consist of casting aspersions on others while pointing out his sparkling record as a pitcher.

"I would never have used steroids, and if I had, I would have little noses on my feet," said Clemens, replendently dressed in a dark three-piece suit and clown shoes. "In my whole career, I only drank the castor oil my mother gave me while grandma injected some vitamins into my eyeballs. I asked if they were giving me steroids, and President Lincoln said no. And I believed them. And I won 354 games."

"And if I used all these fancy growth hormones and stuff, why am I so immature? It doesn't make sense."

back to Killed By Fish

Pitino Set To Unleash New "15-Second Offense"

Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino, preparing for the 2010-11 season while appearing in court in the extortion trial of Karen Cunagin Sypher, has announced that the Cardinals will unveil a new, fast-paced offensive system he calls "the 15-Second Offense."

Predicated on speed and built around deft ball-handling in the open court, the offense will seek to get a shot off within 15 seconds on each and every posession.

"I know it won't satisfy everybody, but it will make for some exciting basketball," said the coach, speaking to a group of university alumni last weekend. "It's all about quickly setting the table and scoring fast. You have to get right on top and push the ball up the court, keep the pressure up. This will lead to a lot of quick spurts."

Pitino also pointed out the importance of crashing the boards after the initial shot. "The ball goes up quickly, before the defense is ready, so there are a lot of sloppy second opportunites," he said. "Guys have to be ready to jump in and take advantage." Pitino said long-time aide Tim Sypher would be responsible for teaching this important skill to the players, as "he's got the most experience in this aspect of the game."

When asked if a deeper, better conditioned team might catch the Cardinals off-guard in such a fast-paced game, Pitino responded, "no, no, no. We won't get caught. It's only going to last fifteen seconds, and Larry Bird is not going to walk through that door."

Bradford, Tebow Join Select Group That Includes Ryan Leaf

Sam Bradford and Tim Tebow, the two Heisman-winning quarterbacks hopeful of translating their remarkable college success into professional stardom, were both taken in the first round of Thursday night’s NFL draft.

They join an illustrious group of star quarterbacks previously taken with first round picks, a group that includes such luminaries as Art Schlister, Kelly Stouffer, Jim Druckenmiller and Ryan Leaf.

Bradford was taken with the top overall pick by the St. Louis Rams, despite a shoulder injury that cost him nearly all of the 2009 season at Oklahoma.

“I am looking forward to the opportunity to play in St. Louis which is a great city and I am looking forward to playing there in that great city,” said a crushed, glassy-eyed Bradford , staring soullessly at the cameras while fashioning his new Rams jersey into a noose. “It is...like...a dream come... true...somehow.”

Although throwing with a surgically-repaired shoulder, Bradford impressed the St. Louis staff enough to doom himself to years of failure with the hapless Rams, who seem to enjoy watching their quarterbacks get beaten up.

Tebow was taken with the 25th pick in the draft by the Denver Broncos despite a new throwing motion he’s never actually used and a propensity for embarrassing crying jags.

But unlike Bradford, he seemed genuinely pleased at the prospect of playing for his new team.

“I am happy to be going to Denver, which being the mile high city, is that much closer to heaven,” said Tebow, who mistakenly believes that God lives in the sky. “It is a great opportunity, and I just want to thank the Lord for not going all Tower of Babel on the Mile High city.”

Bradford eagerly anticipating his pro career.

NCAA Office Pool? Some Guy Named Chalk Always Wins

As Selection Sunday for the NCAA basketball tournament approaches, millions of fans are waiting eagerly to begin filling out the brackets, tossing their ballcaps into the ring in thousands of office pools across the nation.

But many more are opting out this year. With the tough economy, some feel the entry fee for the office pool is just wasted money.

“I won’t be entering this year,” said one random office worker on the street in New York. “I’d just be throwing away the money. I’ve entered in the past, and that guy Chalk always kicks everybody’s ass. I think he works in accounting or something. Obviously he’s got some complicated mathematical formula he uses.”

Strangely, workers at other, unrelated companies and in whole other industries in far away cities also mentioned “Chalk” as the guy to beat in the pool, although that happens only once every few years, at most.

“I don’t know how he does it every year,” said a human resources specialist in Seattle. “I try to pick all the upsets in the early rounds, and I get a few of them, but I always seem to come up short of teams in the Final Four. It’s like Chalk has some special information on who is likely to make it that far.”

A software designer in Los Angeles said, “he’s got to be using some seriously advanced algorithms, and probably a super high-speed, special purpose computer. He’s getting some very meaningful numbers from somewhere.”

Chalk, whose last name is evidently Pix or Pickz, could not be reached for comment, although he is expected to have his bracket completed by Monday morning, as always.

Russian Skaters Modify Routine, Add More Hideous Insults

VANCOUVER--Oksana Domnina and Maxim Shabalin, the Russian ice dancers who have come under fire for their “Aborigine” costumes featuring loincloths, bodypaint and eucalyptus leaves, showed some new modifications to their routine at practice here Sunday afternoon.

While it is possible they may make further changes before competition, it appears they are responding to the severe criticism they have received for the racist nature of their program.

The routine will still feature the pair rubbing noses and waving bones around in a “native” style dance, but now has been modified to include the skaters banging rocks together and pretending to eat each other. The music, which already featured a didgeridoo, now also has Tarzan calls and a chorus chanting “ooga chucka ooga chucka.”

The strongest statement, however, may have come at the conclusion of the routine, when Shabalin hit Domnina over the head with a club and dragged her off the ice by the hair.

“We did a lot of research to make this program accurate in its reflection of a distinctive culture,” said Shabalin, adjusting the bone in his nose. “The number of old Bugs Bunny cartoons we watched would by themselves represent a significant time investment. And do you have any idea how many times those headhunters showed up on Gilligan’s Island?”

Back to Killed By Fish

Tiger: "Deeply Sorry, But Deep Down I’m Shallow”

Expanding on Friday’s public apology for behavior that has often included infidelity, Tiger Woods in a private interview today explained why his expressed remorse seemed to many to be scripted and insincere.

“Like I said, I really am sorry deep down, but deep down I am shallow,” Woods confided. “So when I get up and reveal my innermost thoughts and feelings, that only underscores my superficiality, and causes a lot of people to question my sincerity. I really mean what I say, I just can’t mean it very much. Unfortunately, my profound inability to relate to other human beings sometimes causes difficulty in communicating.”

Woods, who is trying to repair the damage done to his public image by his Thanksgiving night car accident and recent reports of many mistresses, blamed a sense of entitlement for his transgressions.

“See, I really believed that my ability to play a game really well meant that I was entitled to enjoy all the good things in life to excess. How deep is that? It’s pretty pathetic. And when I say ‘good things,’ I mean, you know, white women. Which is another really screwed-up way to look at life. Jeez, what’s with me, anyway? I must be about as deep as an ashtray.”

“So you can see, it’s no wonder that when I try to express deeper feelings of regret for my actions my voice comes out sounding like Captain Kirk’s computer. That’s the real me.”

While taking responsibility for his current difficulties, Woods continued to deny that wife Elin tried to brain him with a golf club on that fateful Thanksgiving night.

“No, she was just suggesting which club I should use to help myself up once I regained consciousness,” Woods insisted. “She’s helpful like that. And to make sure it was strong enough, she tested it on the car windows.”

Woods has yet to announce when he will return to the links. Hecklers are expected when he does.

"So, you think a nine-iron to open this jar of pickles?"

Brees Thanks Zeus For Win, Sacrifices Goat

New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees, shown here in his off-season identity of Bacchus, God of Wine, made sure to take the time to thank The Man Upstairs for all the success he has had since joining the Saints four years ago.

“Without my father, Zeus, this never would have been possible,” said the Super Bowl MVP, beaming and dressed head-to-foot in gold lame. “If He hadn’t sewn my fetus to his thigh when he showed Himself unwreathed to Semele, I would have perished in the blaze.”

Brees, who completed 32 of 39 passes for 288 yards and two touchdowns in the Saints’ 31-17 win over the Colts, also thanked Zeus for an earlier victory over the Titans.

“Without his lightning bolts, I never could have driven them away. As it was, they ate everything but his heart, which he then fed to Semele to impregnate her.”

Brees also gave a shout-out to the Nymphs of Nysa , and thanked Persephone for raising him in the Underworld away from Hera.

Back to Killed By Fish

Belichick Changes Mind, Wants To Punt Now

After three months of careful consideration, New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick announced at a press conference today that he has changed his mind regarding his decision to go for it on fourth down in the fourth quarter of a November 15 game against the Indianapolis Colts and now wishes to punt.

“These kinds of decisions are crucial to a team’s success and must be given due thought,” said the three-time Super Bowl winning coach. “As such, we now wish to punt on that play and will be ready on Sunday to resume the game.”

“We, as a team, want to put that mistake in front of us and focus on winning the previous game.”

Further questions from the press were met with a cold, lifeless stare.

If the Patriots can hold on to defeat the Colts, they will be playing in the Super Bowl Reboot against the New Orleans Saints, picking up from the play just before Peyton Manning choked like Isadora Duncan going for a Sunday drive.

Statue Of Bud Selig To Replace Bud Selig

In a surprise move obviously aimed at cutting costs and improving operational efficiency, Major League Baseball owners today voted 29-1 to replace Commissioner Bud Selig with the 7-foot statue of Bud Selig about to be erected outside Miller Park in Milwaukee.

The only vote against the move was cast by Brewers owner Bud Selig.

“It’s a move necessitated by the economy, and should also allow us to move forward quickly on the important issues we face today,” said one owner who declined to be named. “The new commissioner will be more cost-effective, more responsive to criticism, and less likely to turn a blind eye to controversy. It will speed up the decision making process, as we will always know where he stands. It will also save about $45 a year on haircuts.”

The spokesman also pointed out that the new commissioner, being a statue, “will give only the pigeons a reason to crap all over him. That’s a big improvement right there.”


"I think he said to let it end in a tie."

Jets’ Super Bowl Parade Sparsely Attended

Feb 10, 2010
After weeks of planning, the much-ballyhooed New York Jets Super Bowl Parade was held yesterday, the team riding down the Canyon of Heroes in New York City in front of a crowd estimated at roughly 17.

"I told you we’d have a parade," bellowed Jets coach Rex Ryan as several pieces of confetti floated forlornly by. "Nobody believed in us. They still don’t. And yet, here we are!"

Star quarterback Mark Sanchez received the loudest ovation, which consisted of four homeless guys clapping their hands together to keep them warm. Each coach and player was presented with a key to the city, although Braylon Edwards reportedly dropped his down a storm grate.

In other New York football news, it was revealed today that Revis Island is actually a peninsula.

"Next year's parade will be even better."

God Heals Tebow’s Throwing Motion

Relax, NFL scouts. It’s fixed.

That’s the word out of Mobile, Alabama, where the Senior Bowl will be played Saturday.
After much discussion among scouts and fans regarding the unorthodox, heretical throwing motion of Florida’s Tim Tebow and his fitness to play quarterback in the NFL, it was announced today that after three days of incessant prayer by Tebow his long, loopy wind-up and slow delivery had miraculously changed into a quick-release, no-wasted-motion style reminiscent of Johnny Unitas, Joe Namath and Dan Marino.

"It’s the best delivery I’ve ever seen in a prospect," said one scout. "He’s at the top of our draft board now. That kid could throw a camel through the eye of a needle."

Said another scout, "His game has really evolved. Whoops."

"I had to do it for him," said God, who last intervened in sports in 1997 when he caused Tony Fernandez to boot a ground ball, losing the World Series for the Cleveland Indians. "I owe him for all those circumcisions he did in the Philippines. He’s doing my work, spreading my word, and I can’t have him throwing like a girl in front of the whole world for the next 15 years."

"I can’t do anything about that crying crap, though. He’s just going to have to man up."

Definitely not intelligently designed.