Jets’ Super Bowl Parade Sparsely Attended

Feb 10, 2010
After weeks of planning, the much-ballyhooed New York Jets Super Bowl Parade was held yesterday, the team riding down the Canyon of Heroes in New York City in front of a crowd estimated at roughly 17.

"I told you we’d have a parade," bellowed Jets coach Rex Ryan as several pieces of confetti floated forlornly by. "Nobody believed in us. They still don’t. And yet, here we are!"

Star quarterback Mark Sanchez received the loudest ovation, which consisted of four homeless guys clapping their hands together to keep them warm. Each coach and player was presented with a key to the city, although Braylon Edwards reportedly dropped his down a storm grate.

In other New York football news, it was revealed today that Revis Island is actually a peninsula.

"Next year's parade will be even better."

God Heals Tebow’s Throwing Motion

Relax, NFL scouts. It’s fixed.

That’s the word out of Mobile, Alabama, where the Senior Bowl will be played Saturday.
After much discussion among scouts and fans regarding the unorthodox, heretical throwing motion of Florida’s Tim Tebow and his fitness to play quarterback in the NFL, it was announced today that after three days of incessant prayer by Tebow his long, loopy wind-up and slow delivery had miraculously changed into a quick-release, no-wasted-motion style reminiscent of Johnny Unitas, Joe Namath and Dan Marino.

"It’s the best delivery I’ve ever seen in a prospect," said one scout. "He’s at the top of our draft board now. That kid could throw a camel through the eye of a needle."

Said another scout, "His game has really evolved. Whoops."

"I had to do it for him," said God, who last intervened in sports in 1997 when he caused Tony Fernandez to boot a ground ball, losing the World Series for the Cleveland Indians. "I owe him for all those circumcisions he did in the Philippines. He’s doing my work, spreading my word, and I can’t have him throwing like a girl in front of the whole world for the next 15 years."

"I can’t do anything about that crying crap, though. He’s just going to have to man up."

Definitely not intelligently designed.