New O.J. Book Hits The Stores

Simpson put up remarkable numbers during his career.

Although in prison for a variety of charges stemming from an incident last year involving memorabilia in Las Vegas, O.J. Simpson has chosen not to remain quiet during his sentence, and has written a new book entitled "If I Didn’t Do It, Why Am I In Prison?" The book hit the stores this week.
"Nevada doesn’t have a Son of Sam law," said Simpson, who appeared to be "absolutely, 100%" behind bars. "I learned that on CSI. I’m free to write books, speculate on what really happened, and capitalize on my situation. I can also look for the real killers here, having eliminated all the golf resorts in Florida." When reminded of the civil suit brought against him by the Goldman family, he replied, "that’s my next book—If I Owed Them Money, Here’s How I’d Evade Them."
Simpson was convicted of taking items at gunpoint from a memorabilia dealer in Las Vegas last year, while claiming that the items actually belonged to him and he therefore had the right to take them at gunpoint.
Simpson is a pro football Hall of Fame member, a former running back known for his slashing style and ability to cut sharply. He won the Heisman Trophy at USC in 1968 and was the first selection in the draft by the Buffalo Bills, a team he soon came to fit like a glove, quickly becoming so entrenched in the starting lineup for a time it was thought he actually had used an entrenching tool. It seemed he was born to run the ball, as if it was in his DNA.
He later took a stab at an acting career, appearing in "The Towering Inferno" in 1975, in which he plays a security guard who doesn’t murder his wife, and the mini-series "Roots" in 1976, playing an African tribesman who doesn’t kill a waiter, flee police on national TV and gain acquittal in a ridiculous circus trial.

MLB Suspended For Steroid Use

Major League Baseball, it was announced today, has twice tested positive for performance enhancing drugs including steroids and will, under the policy initiated in 2007, be suspended for the remainder of the 2009 season. All remaining regular season games will be recorded as ties except for the All-Star game, which will be simulated with PECOTA projections and used to determine the winner of the World Series.
"We feel the penalties in place are, while regrettable, appropriate and fair and we must simply move on from this point," said Bud Selig, Commissioner of Baseball at a press conference this morning. "We look forward to the results of the All-Star Game, World Series, and of course, the Home Run Derby, which will be held as scheduled."
Although the suspension will cost the clubs in the short run, as no individual players have been suspended and all still will be paid, Selig would not admit it was bad for the game, pointing to the continuing popularity of the idea of baseball and the fact that the Toronto Blue Jays have clinched a spot in the World Series. "This shows true parity in our game," said the weak, rumpled man.
Some fans may be displeased, however, by the expectation to continue to pay for tickets and personal seat licenses, Selig admitted, but pointed out that "there are still games to go to, they’re just declared to be ties after six hours or so. And people still need to eat, so concession sales will continue as before. We must maintain the game’s infrastructure, so the players have something to come back to next year. You don’t need a third ear growing out of your forehead to figure that out."
The suspension also brings up the question of baseball’s prospects for inclusion in the Hall Of Fame in the future. "We have a solution to that as well," said Selig. "We’ll ask Pete Rose."
"Difficult times are ahead, but the fundamentals of the baseball economy remain sound," Selig continued. "And the overall…aw, whatever. It’s probably all for the best. It’s really a pretty stupid game when you think about it."

Farve Tries “Mrs. Doubtfire” Routine

In yet another twist to the strange twilight of Brett Favre’s career in the NFL, he was recently caught in disguise working at the Green Bay Packers’ training facility.
The 40-year old ex-Packer, apparently still obsessed with the way his career in Green Bay ended, was dressed as a buxom, elderly woman with glasses and had obtained a job as a chef in the kitchen at the facility.
"He had a great disguise, really disguised his voice well," said a spokesman for the team. "But after a few days we noticed this woman was getting a bit of stubble and seemed unaware of it, and a couple of days later she burned her tits off at the stove. At that point we knew it was a man, and he talked way too slow to be Robin Williams."
Favre also had a tendency to celebrate events by pulling his wig off and holding it high while running around joyously, occasionally attempting a "Lambeau Leap" atop the dishwasher. At one point, the spokesman said, Favre came in from outside with a piece of turf stuck in his wig, causing John Madden to appear from nowhere and start babbling about what a great, great football player this was, especially with "that thing on his deal." Madden also compared the Packers letting Favre go to "sticking a toothbrush in your eye."
But the clincher that really revealed his identity, said the spokesman, was "the interceptions. No doubt, it was the interceptions. Half the meals she cooked ended up in the wrong stomach. I mean he. Whatever."
When contacted, Favre said he "merely wanted to see his ex-teammates, regardless of the comedic consequences. I knew there was a chance that hilarity might ensue, but I was willing to take that chance."
Favre also said that he didn’t have no plans or wasn’t not planning to play or not play again for some possible other team at some point in the future.