Woods Double-Bogeys Marriage, Misses Cut

Tiger Woods, continuing a disappointing trend that has seen him not win a major since the 2008 U.S. Open, double-bogeyed the last hole of his marriage and failed to make the cut with Elin, his wife of three years.

It was announced recently that the couple had officially divorced and that a $750 million settlement had been reached, the result of a series of misplays on the back nine by the golfer.

Trouble began on the 15th hole when the man many have proclaimed to be the best golfer in history blew an easy three-foot putt for par by failing to remain faithful to a wealthy, blonde supermodel wife. On the next hole, Woods sliced badly into the trees by using his regular cellphone to arrange dalliances with mistresses, and compounded that by "grounding his club" in a bunker with another mistress two shots later.

But that was nothing compared to his error on 18, where he neglected to use his driver and, attempting to escape from the rough, hit the mailbox at the end of the fairway.

"I have no one to blame but myself," said a dejected Woods after the debacle. "Unless of course you count my caddy, who should have known the course better."

Although Woods' longtime caddy Steve Williams could not be reached for comment, it is assumed his reply would point out Tiger's repeated unwillingness to leave his 5-wood in the bag.

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Clemens Indicted For Third Ear On Forehead

Roger Clemens, former major-league pitcher and 11-time all-star, winner of seven Cy Young awards, was indicted this week by a grand jury for perjury before Congress in 2008. The evidence, which the grand jury found "compelling, and sort of creepy" consisted mostly of recent photographs of Clemens sporting a new third ear that grew out of his forehead.

The new appendage cast doubt on Clemens' previous testimony, in which he claimed never to have used steroids and if he did, "I would have a third ear growing out of my forehead or something."

Because he is facing up to five years of prison time, Clemens is expected to spare no expense in putting together a crack legal team as well as a new group of friends to throw under the bus. Although it is not known what sort of defense will be presented, experts expect it to mostly consist of casting aspersions on others while pointing out his sparkling record as a pitcher.

"I would never have used steroids, and if I had, I would have little noses on my feet," said Clemens, replendently dressed in a dark three-piece suit and clown shoes. "In my whole career, I only drank the castor oil my mother gave me while grandma injected some vitamins into my eyeballs. I asked if they were giving me steroids, and President Lincoln said no. And I believed them. And I won 354 games."

"And if I used all these fancy growth hormones and stuff, why am I so immature? It doesn't make sense."

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Pitino Set To Unleash New "15-Second Offense"

Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino, preparing for the 2010-11 season while appearing in court in the extortion trial of Karen Cunagin Sypher, has announced that the Cardinals will unveil a new, fast-paced offensive system he calls "the 15-Second Offense."

Predicated on speed and built around deft ball-handling in the open court, the offense will seek to get a shot off within 15 seconds on each and every posession.

"I know it won't satisfy everybody, but it will make for some exciting basketball," said the coach, speaking to a group of university alumni last weekend. "It's all about quickly setting the table and scoring fast. You have to get right on top and push the ball up the court, keep the pressure up. This will lead to a lot of quick spurts."

Pitino also pointed out the importance of crashing the boards after the initial shot. "The ball goes up quickly, before the defense is ready, so there are a lot of sloppy second opportunites," he said. "Guys have to be ready to jump in and take advantage." Pitino said long-time aide Tim Sypher would be responsible for teaching this important skill to the players, as "he's got the most experience in this aspect of the game."

When asked if a deeper, better conditioned team might catch the Cardinals off-guard in such a fast-paced game, Pitino responded, "no, no, no. We won't get caught. It's only going to last fifteen seconds, and Larry Bird is not going to walk through that door."