Clemens Indicted For Third Ear On Forehead

Roger Clemens, former major-league pitcher and 11-time all-star, winner of seven Cy Young awards, was indicted this week by a grand jury for perjury before Congress in 2008. The evidence, which the grand jury found "compelling, and sort of creepy" consisted mostly of recent photographs of Clemens sporting a new third ear that grew out of his forehead.

The new appendage cast doubt on Clemens' previous testimony, in which he claimed never to have used steroids and if he did, "I would have a third ear growing out of my forehead or something."

Because he is facing up to five years of prison time, Clemens is expected to spare no expense in putting together a crack legal team as well as a new group of friends to throw under the bus. Although it is not known what sort of defense will be presented, experts expect it to mostly consist of casting aspersions on others while pointing out his sparkling record as a pitcher.

"I would never have used steroids, and if I had, I would have little noses on my feet," said Clemens, replendently dressed in a dark three-piece suit and clown shoes. "In my whole career, I only drank the castor oil my mother gave me while grandma injected some vitamins into my eyeballs. I asked if they were giving me steroids, and President Lincoln said no. And I believed them. And I won 354 games."

"And if I used all these fancy growth hormones and stuff, why am I so immature? It doesn't make sense."

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MLB Suspended For Steroid Use

Major League Baseball, it was announced today, has twice tested positive for performance enhancing drugs including steroids and will, under the policy initiated in 2007, be suspended for the remainder of the 2009 season. All remaining regular season games will be recorded as ties except for the All-Star game, which will be simulated with PECOTA projections and used to determine the winner of the World Series.
"We feel the penalties in place are, while regrettable, appropriate and fair and we must simply move on from this point," said Bud Selig, Commissioner of Baseball at a press conference this morning. "We look forward to the results of the All-Star Game, World Series, and of course, the Home Run Derby, which will be held as scheduled."
Although the suspension will cost the clubs in the short run, as no individual players have been suspended and all still will be paid, Selig would not admit it was bad for the game, pointing to the continuing popularity of the idea of baseball and the fact that the Toronto Blue Jays have clinched a spot in the World Series. "This shows true parity in our game," said the weak, rumpled man.
Some fans may be displeased, however, by the expectation to continue to pay for tickets and personal seat licenses, Selig admitted, but pointed out that "there are still games to go to, they’re just declared to be ties after six hours or so. And people still need to eat, so concession sales will continue as before. We must maintain the game’s infrastructure, so the players have something to come back to next year. You don’t need a third ear growing out of your forehead to figure that out."
The suspension also brings up the question of baseball’s prospects for inclusion in the Hall Of Fame in the future. "We have a solution to that as well," said Selig. "We’ll ask Pete Rose."
"Difficult times are ahead, but the fundamentals of the baseball economy remain sound," Selig continued. "And the overall…aw, whatever. It’s probably all for the best. It’s really a pretty stupid game when you think about it."