Clemens Indicted For Third Ear On Forehead

Roger Clemens, former major-league pitcher and 11-time all-star, winner of seven Cy Young awards, was indicted this week by a grand jury for perjury before Congress in 2008. The evidence, which the grand jury found "compelling, and sort of creepy" consisted mostly of recent photographs of Clemens sporting a new third ear that grew out of his forehead.

The new appendage cast doubt on Clemens' previous testimony, in which he claimed never to have used steroids and if he did, "I would have a third ear growing out of my forehead or something."

Because he is facing up to five years of prison time, Clemens is expected to spare no expense in putting together a crack legal team as well as a new group of friends to throw under the bus. Although it is not known what sort of defense will be presented, experts expect it to mostly consist of casting aspersions on others while pointing out his sparkling record as a pitcher.

"I would never have used steroids, and if I had, I would have little noses on my feet," said Clemens, replendently dressed in a dark three-piece suit and clown shoes. "In my whole career, I only drank the castor oil my mother gave me while grandma injected some vitamins into my eyeballs. I asked if they were giving me steroids, and President Lincoln said no. And I believed them. And I won 354 games."

"And if I used all these fancy growth hormones and stuff, why am I so immature? It doesn't make sense."

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Statue Of Bud Selig To Replace Bud Selig

In a surprise move obviously aimed at cutting costs and improving operational efficiency, Major League Baseball owners today voted 29-1 to replace Commissioner Bud Selig with the 7-foot statue of Bud Selig about to be erected outside Miller Park in Milwaukee.

The only vote against the move was cast by Brewers owner Bud Selig.

“It’s a move necessitated by the economy, and should also allow us to move forward quickly on the important issues we face today,” said one owner who declined to be named. “The new commissioner will be more cost-effective, more responsive to criticism, and less likely to turn a blind eye to controversy. It will speed up the decision making process, as we will always know where he stands. It will also save about $45 a year on haircuts.”

The spokesman also pointed out that the new commissioner, being a statue, “will give only the pigeons a reason to crap all over him. That’s a big improvement right there.”


"I think he said to let it end in a tie."

Cubs Unveil New Logo

In an effort to change the fortunes of a franchise that hasn't won a championship since 1908, the Chicago Cubs today unveiled their new official logo.
The logo features an image of former Cubs player Nomar Garciaparra in a pose that team officials believe represents "the last 100 years of Chicago Cubs history in a nutshell."
"Although much of our history is painful, we wanted a logo that truly embraced that history," said a Cubs representative. "From billy goats to Bartmen, this is truly what being a Cubs fan is all about. It's about holding on to what's really important. When the fans see this image, we believe they will swell with pride."
The logo will also include the phrase: "The Chicago Cubs: It's a Whole New Ball Game."